Day 5: Christmas and Sunny weather

Well, I made it through the most stressful time of the year and in remarkably great spirits. I did my best to take things one step at a time this year. If I forgot someone on my list, I knew I would be forgiven. Everyone in my life knows how much I am going through and the load of stress I have in organizing my move. They are all onboard, supportive, and that in itself is very liberating. It feels good to be loved.

My latest status goes as follows:
Just before Christmas I heard back with some of the last bit of paperwork I was waiting for. Now I have a date when my little dog will ship out. I have yet to get a storage locker for my things, advertise the things I won't be keeping on Craigslist, or figure out exactly what I will take with me and how I will get it to the other side.
What I have done though is plan my sleep-ins, game night with my honey, coffee on the beach. I am finally seeing the other side. The clouds have lifted momentarily and through my stress and anxiety I feel good. Real good. I am looking to the positive and am ready for adventure. This morning my honey and I were talking about flight details, which airline had the best rates, the best luggage deals.... I however was only concerned with my layover. How long? Where at? I am in the spirit for adventure. I am ready to branch out and see new sights. I am like a solitary, female version of Lewis and Clark.

I know there will be dim days ahead. Days where I feel overwhelmed, perhaps sad too, but in the end, these lighter moments allow me clarity and peace of mind. The end is in sight now.

Day 4: Nostalgic musings....

A letter to my lover...
Remember when we went to the foreshore to swim and snorkel that day, and we stopped at the underwater trail place where the signs lead the way? But then we discovered that the signs were so deep that we would have needed scuba gear to get down there to read them, so instead, we moseyed down the beach to find somewhere else to swim. 

We were so happy and relaxed. We were going to get ice cream after our swim and have a peaceful evening before driving down to MR (Margaret River) the next morning.

So we found another beach and got in and swam. You were romantic and gave me pretty shells. Too many shells for me to carry, so I stuffed a few down my top. It turned out, you gave me a venemous critter which bit me twice on my nipple and I went into shock. I am happy that I survived, but I never got my ice-cream.

Let's never do that again.

Day 3: A case of the Monday's

I have put off writing this post for lack of interest in acknowledging my feelings. As I continue my avoid-ism strategy, I should point out what a marvelous and sunny day it is here. In fact, the weather is beautiful. 

That being said, today is not my best day. In a nutshell, I got overtired yesterday. I woke up at a bright (dark) and early 4:30am and headed off with my sister in law to go shopping in San Francisco. Like the intelligent ladies that we are, we stayed up way to late the night before watching a marathon of "Ghost Adventures" on my On Demand. It seemed like a good idea at the time. So, by the time the iPhone alarm roused us with heart stoppingly loud jazz beats my eyes felt filled with sand and my stomach as if I guzzled battery acid. Resolutely, we rolled out of bed, threw on our best Sunday shopping outfits, some mascara and headed out like lionesses on the hunt. OK, we just headed off to Starbucks but every good bargain begins with coffee. 

A bit over an hour later (due to traffic from a marathon in Union Square) we circled the streets like a pair of sleepy vultures in search of a parking garage. 20 minutes later we were at our destination, we cheered as I pulled the ticked from the robotic box of parking garage attendant and cursed the dumb-ass one way streets that made our trip so difficult.

Our day was good. We flittered around poking at sparkly treasures and were continually distracted by randomness. We were about to pass out from hunger before we slowed down long enough to settle for a bite to eat at our favorite Nordstrom's Cafe. Refueled we headed off in search of more treasure...

We probably overstayed our welcome at the Westfield Mall before we headed back to the car. $25 parking charge later we were on the road again, heading over the Bay Bridge and back to our cozy corner of the East Bay. 

I was so looking forward to sitting down and resting my weary feet however I soon realized that I had much more dire needs. Specifically, toilet paper and kitty litter. So, with over-sized luggage size bags under my eyes, I swiped up my car keys again and headed off to Target. Of course the lines were long and the customers were skeevy. Finally, I escaped the store. Now I could finally get some rest- NOT!

A short phone call with my mother revealed that my grandmother who resides in an assited living center had stayed in bed all morning and wasn't doing well. My mother had driven to go check on her and get her up that afternoon so I almost decided to postpone my weekend visit however something nagged in the back of my brain and before I could think about my actions, I was on the freeway and heading over to her place.

It was a good thing I went because poor grandma was still in her pajamas (4:30pm now) and was laying in bed. She hadn't eaten or taken care of herself. She also wasn't sick, just giving up. 2 hrs later, a few peptalks, dinner ordered and delivered to her room and a good face washing she was feeling much better. I, however, was not. My legs were cramping from walking all day, my feet ached and my face burned. I was exhausted. 

At last I headed home. 

My favorite dog was waiting for me at the door, well rested and enthusiastic. I patted him on the head as I stumbled in the direction of the shower. I stripped down, cranked on the hot water, and collapsed in a heap in the bottom of the shower pan where I blacked out. I didnt sit down for dinner untill around 7:30 or 8pm. Its kind of all a blur and tried to catch up on my favorite trash TV episodes. I confess I was flipping between Sister Wives and Tough Love Miami. 

Must have fallen asleep on the sofa cause around midnight some music video was blaring from the TV and I was confused. I grabbed the dog and headed off to my real bed. 

This morning I woke up grumpy from tossing and turning all night, and in pain everywhere. I have sore muscles in my shins and ass from a run on Friday night and my feet are tender to touch. Even coffee could not cure my case of Monday's today.

The point of all this is that with my impending future move I am feeling emotional, exhausted, and over reactive. I am fragile and hormonal and want to hide in a cave. I'm sure if I did not have the stress of what I am going through now, this would just be a bad day instead of a terrible one. There is good news however, my phone says it is 5:09 right now so I am logging off this computer and leaving work. Mama needs a glass of wine tonight!!!!!!

Day 2: Lists and Christmas, not to be confused with Christmas lists (which is much more fun)

By sharing my thoughts, fears, excitement as I go through this life changing adventure, I hope to allow others who share my journey to know that they are not alone.
This is quite possibly the scariest and most exciting thing I have ever embarked on.

Everyday is different for me which sometimes makes me feel like I have a multiple personality disorder. Yesterday was a good day, but I still felt a bit anxious when I thought too much about what needs to be done and what I am leaving behind... This process is definitely a mind trip. I can't think too much about it without feeling those prickles of anxiety creeping under my skin.

Today is good. It's Friday which means maybe I can cut out of work early and get home at a decent time. It also means that I have a lot more prep work to do. I have already boxed of my stuff up in preparation to be shipped, recent shipping quotes have laid that plan to rest so instead the boxes will go into storage. This shift in plans means I will be more discriminating with what I decide to keep as well as how things are boxed. Sound fun? My things have been in boxed since last November so imagine my surprise, it will be like Christmas day early.

To be better organized my plan is:

• Candles all in one box to be stored at a climate controlled family members home to avoid meltiness later
• Paperwork and filing to be minimized and excess to be shredded (a project which has unfortunately already been going on a few weeks) 
• External hard drives to be updated, one to take and one to stay for back up.
• Misc knick knacks can be thrown away, I don't need clutter.

The plan is to get everything I own into the cheapest, smallest storage locker I can find. That means, I'm only planning on keeping the "good stuff." 

Making these lists helps to keep the anxiety (a new condition for me) at bay. It might look silly but I have a plan, I know my next step, and with each strike through off the list, I find myself a little closer to my end goal.

Day 1: Rainbow Maker

I sit in my cubicle, dreaming of a life that could be. I am terrified of the present and yet frozen at the thought of my future.
I wonder- Is this normal?

Sure I have some big decisions to re-make. To go, or not to go... that is the question. Everyday is different. Why can't life be simple?

I hold onto that knowledge, my fingers clutching at the sharp rocks on an invisible cliff. I am tough as nails, I am strong, I am a trailblazer. With re-newed strength, I pull myself up over the craggy edge and sit on a pillow of soft green grass. The view in front of me is breath taking. I remind myself that I am a sparkling personality who has the power to see through the darkness and pull out the light. At times like these, when the skies are dark and rain is threatening, I have to remember that I am the only one who can make my rainbows.
My happiness is dictated by me and no one else. So, I take control back from those unknown forces that have made me fear. I will make it through this day with a smile. I am the rainbow maker.